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11th September 2013: The world's gone mad and I'm the only one who knows
13th August 2013: Black is white. Fact. End of.
11th August 2013: Electric cars, not as green as they're painted?
18th June 2013: Wrinklies unite, you have nothing to lose but your walking frames!
17th May 2013: Some actual FACTS about climate change (for a change) from actual scientists ...
10th May 2013: An article about that poison gas, carbon dioxide, and other scientific facts (not) ...
10th May 2013: We need to see past the sex and look at the crimes: is justice being served?
8th May 2013: So, who would you trust to treat your haemorrhoids, Theresa May?
8th May 2013: Why should citizens in the 21st Century fear the law so much?
30th April 2013: What the GOS says today, the rest of the world realises tomorrow ...
30th April 2013: You couldn't make it up, could you? Luckily you don't need to ...
29th April 2013: a vote for NONE OF THE ABOVE, because THE ABOVE are crap ...
28th April 2013: what goes around, comes around?
19th April 2013: everyone's a victim these days ...
10th April 2013: Thatcher is dead; long live Thatcher!
8th April 2013: Poor people are such a nuisance. Just give them loads of money and they'll go away ...
26th March 2013: Censorship is alive and well and coming for you ...
25th March 2013: Just do your job properly, is that too much to ask?
25th March 2013: So, what do you think caused your heterosexuality?
20th March 2013: Feminists - puritans, hypocrites or just plain stupid?
18th March 2013: How Nazi Germany paved the way for modern governance?
13th March 2013: Time we all grew up and lived in the real world ...
12th March 2013: Hindenburg crash mystery solved? - don't you believe it!
6th March 2013: Is this the real GOS?
5th March 2013: All that's wrong with taxes
25th February 2013: The self-seeking MP who is trying to bring Britain down ...
24th February 2013: Why can't newspapers just tell the truth?
22nd February 2013: Trial by jury - a radical proposal
13th February 2013: A little verse for two very old people ...
6th February 2013: It's not us after all, it's worms
6th February 2013: Now here's a powerful argument FOR gay marriage ...
4th February 2013: There's no such thing as equality because we're not all the same ...
28th January 2013: Global Warming isn't over - IT'S HIDING!
25th January 2013: Global Warmers: mad, bad and dangerous to know ...
25th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
19th January 2013: We STILL haven't got our heads straight about gays ...
16th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
11th January 2013: What it's like being English ...
7th January 2013: Bleat, bleat, if it saves the life of just one child ...
7th January 2013: How best to put it? 'Up yours, Argentina'?
7th January 2013: Chucking even more of other people's money around ...
6th January 2013: Chucking other people's money around ...
30th December 2012: The BBC is just crap, basically ...
30th December 2012: We mourn the passing of a genuine Grumpy Old Sod ...
30th December 2012: How an official body sets out to ruin Christmas ...
16th December 2012: Why should we pardon Alan Turing when he did nothing wrong?
15th December 2012: When will social workers face up to their REAL responsibility?
15th December 2012: Unfair trading by a firm in Bognor Regis ...
14th December 2012: Now the company that sells your data is pretending to act as watchdog ...
7th December 2012: There's a war between cars and bikes, apparently, and  most of us never noticed!
26th November 2012: The bottom line - social workers are just plain stupid ...
20th November 2012: So, David Eyke was right all along, then?
15th November 2012: MPs don't mind dishing it out, but when it's them in the firing line ...
14th November 2012: The BBC has a policy, it seems, about which truths it wants to tell ...
12th November 2012: Big Brother, coming to a school near you ...
9th November 2012: Yet another celebrity who thinks, like Jimmy Saville, that he can behave just as he likes because he's famous ...
5th November 2012: Whose roads are they, anyway? After all, we paid for them ...
7th May 2012: How politicians could end droughts at a stroke if they chose ...
6th May 2012: The BBC, still determined to keep us in a fog of ignorance ...
2nd May 2012: A sense of proportion lacking?
24th April 2012: Told you so, told you so, told you so ...
15th April 2012: Aah, sweet ickle polar bears in danger, aah ...
15th April 2012: An open letter to Anglian Water ...
30th March 2012: Now they want to cure us if we don't believe their lies ...
28th February 2012: Just how useful is a degree? Not very.
27th February 2012: ... so many ways to die ...
15th February 2012: DO go to Jamaica because you definitely WON'T get murdered with a machete. Ms Fox says so ...
31st January 2012: We don't make anything any more
27th January 2012: There's always a word for it, they say, and if there isn't we'll invent one
26th January 2012: Literary criticism on GOS? How posh!
12th December 2011: Plain speaking by a scientist about the global warming fraud
9th December 2011: Who trusts scientists? Apart from the BBC, of course?
7th December 2011: All in all, not a good week for British justice ...
9th November 2011: Well what d'you know, the law really IS a bit of an ass ...

 

 
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Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

 
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
 
Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.
 

 
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

 
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from adequately heated observation huts.
 
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
 

 
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.

 
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr.R.Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr.Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
 

 
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

 
The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines are regulations stipulating how often the donkey must be fed and the number of rest breaks required over a four hour plodding period.
 
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
 
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as “Mr.Donkey”. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
 

 
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar;
Field and fountain, moor and mountain,
Following yonder star

 
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
 
We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA Route-finder or GPS navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
 

 
Oh come, all ye faithful
Oh come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant,
Come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem

 
The Home Secretary is currently considering a ban on this carol on the grounds that (a) it constitutes an unlicensed advertisement for the Palestinian tourist industry, (b) it is highly discriminatory, suggesting that only the adherents of one particular belief system are entitled to travel to Bethlehem, and (c) it is likely to cause friction with both the Israeli and Palestinian authorities if it encourages large numbers of Christians to invade a small town on the West Bank, thereby putting a strain on local infrastructure and facilities and altering the ethnic make-up of a population already deeply divided on faith lines.
 
A decision is expected any day. An unnamed source within the Home Office said “It's most likely that the Home Secretary will decide in favour of a ban, as there will probably be little or no public resentment. I mean, it's not like they're Muslims or anything”.
 

 
Away in a Manger, No Crib for a bed
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head

 
Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be suspected of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee. In the event of criminal proceedings, the parents or carers will be allowed legal representation but the court will recognise no burden of proof, the parents or carers will be found guilty regardless of any evidence to the contrary, and the child will be sent for adoption as quickly as possible to prevent any chance of appeal.
 

 
News flash: reports are coming in of a large, red-faced and probably inebriated individual driving a sleigh hauled by a team of reindeer. He is suspected of disturbing the peace, causing damage to roofs, grooming children, invading the public's privacy by hovering outside their bedroom windows, and insulting women with frequent shouts of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” (colloquialism of African-American origin meaning roughly "Prostitute! Prostitute! Prostitute!").
 
In view of the possibility that this person may be in charge of a conveyance while over the permitted limit of alcohol, and that he may have failed to register his flight-plan with the Civil Aviation Authority, the police are anxious to trace his whereabouts, but he has so far proved elusive. A Harrier jump jet would be ideal for this task, but the police have been unable to find one.
 
In a number of unrelated incidents, groups of people in many parts of the country have been apprehended gathering outside houses, singing religious chants regardless of the belief system selected by the residents, and demanding payment. A police spokesperson denied that there is any evidence of an organised nationwide protection racket, but seventeen people are in custody on charges of religious hate-crime and demanding mince-pies with menaces.
 
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