Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from adequately heated observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr.R.Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr.Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines are regulations stipulating how often the donkey must be fed and the number of rest breaks required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as “Mr.Donkey”. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We three kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar;
Field and fountain, moor and mountain,
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA Route-finder or GPS navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
Oh come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant,
Come ye, oh come ye to Bethlehem
The Home Secretary is currently considering a ban on this carol on the grounds that (a) it constitutes an unlicensed advertisement for the Palestinian tourist industry, (b) it is highly discriminatory, suggesting that only the adherents of one particular belief system are entitled to travel to Bethlehem, and (c) it is likely to cause friction with both the Israeli and Palestinian authorities if it encourages large numbers of Christians to invade a small town on the West Bank, thereby putting a strain on local infrastructure and facilities and altering the ethnic make-up of a population already deeply divided on faith lines.
A decision is expected any day. An unnamed source within the Home Office said “It's most likely that the Home Secretary will decide in favour of a ban, as there will probably be little or no public resentment. I mean, it's not like they're Muslims or anything”.
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head
Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be suspected of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee. In the event of criminal proceedings, the parents or carers will be allowed legal representation but the court will recognise no burden of proof, the parents or carers will be found guilty regardless of any evidence to the contrary, and the child will be sent for adoption as quickly as possible to prevent any chance of appeal.
News flash: reports are coming in of a large, red-faced and probably inebriated individual driving a sleigh hauled by a team of reindeer. He is suspected of disturbing the peace, causing damage to roofs, grooming children, invading the public's privacy by hovering outside their bedroom windows, and insulting women with frequent shouts of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” (colloquialism of African-American origin meaning roughly "Prostitute! Prostitute! Prostitute!").
In view of the possibility that this person may be in charge of a conveyance while over the permitted limit of alcohol, and that he may have failed to register his flight-plan with the Civil Aviation Authority, the police are anxious to trace his whereabouts, but he has so far proved elusive. A Harrier jump jet would be ideal for this task, but the police have been unable to find one.
In a number of unrelated incidents, groups of people in many parts of the country have been apprehended gathering outside houses, singing religious chants regardless of the belief system selected by the residents, and demanding payment. A police spokesperson denied that there is any evidence of an organised nationwide protection racket, but seventeen people are in custody on charges of religious hate-crime and demanding mince-pies with menaces.
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