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11th September 2013: The world's gone mad and I'm the only one who knows
13th August 2013: Black is white. Fact. End of.
11th August 2013: Electric cars, not as green as they're painted?
18th June 2013: Wrinklies unite, you have nothing to lose but your walking frames!
17th May 2013: Some actual FACTS about climate change (for a change) from actual scientists ...
10th May 2013: An article about that poison gas, carbon dioxide, and other scientific facts (not) ...
10th May 2013: We need to see past the sex and look at the crimes: is justice being served?
8th May 2013: So, who would you trust to treat your haemorrhoids, Theresa May?
8th May 2013: Why should citizens in the 21st Century fear the law so much?
30th April 2013: What the GOS says today, the rest of the world realises tomorrow ...
30th April 2013: You couldn't make it up, could you? Luckily you don't need to ...
29th April 2013: a vote for NONE OF THE ABOVE, because THE ABOVE are crap ...
28th April 2013: what goes around, comes around?
19th April 2013: everyone's a victim these days ...
10th April 2013: Thatcher is dead; long live Thatcher!
8th April 2013: Poor people are such a nuisance. Just give them loads of money and they'll go away ...
26th March 2013: Censorship is alive and well and coming for you ...
25th March 2013: Just do your job properly, is that too much to ask?
25th March 2013: So, what do you think caused your heterosexuality?
20th March 2013: Feminists - puritans, hypocrites or just plain stupid?
18th March 2013: How Nazi Germany paved the way for modern governance?
13th March 2013: Time we all grew up and lived in the real world ...
12th March 2013: Hindenburg crash mystery solved? - don't you believe it!
6th March 2013: Is this the real GOS?
5th March 2013: All that's wrong with taxes
25th February 2013: The self-seeking MP who is trying to bring Britain down ...
24th February 2013: Why can't newspapers just tell the truth?
22nd February 2013: Trial by jury - a radical proposal
13th February 2013: A little verse for two very old people ...
6th February 2013: It's not us after all, it's worms
6th February 2013: Now here's a powerful argument FOR gay marriage ...
4th February 2013: There's no such thing as equality because we're not all the same ...
28th January 2013: Global Warming isn't over - IT'S HIDING!
25th January 2013: Global Warmers: mad, bad and dangerous to know ...
25th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
19th January 2013: We STILL haven't got our heads straight about gays ...
16th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
11th January 2013: What it's like being English ...
7th January 2013: Bleat, bleat, if it saves the life of just one child ...
7th January 2013: How best to put it? 'Up yours, Argentina'?
7th January 2013: Chucking even more of other people's money around ...
6th January 2013: Chucking other people's money around ...
30th December 2012: The BBC is just crap, basically ...
30th December 2012: We mourn the passing of a genuine Grumpy Old Sod ...
30th December 2012: How an official body sets out to ruin Christmas ...
16th December 2012: Why should we pardon Alan Turing when he did nothing wrong?
15th December 2012: When will social workers face up to their REAL responsibility?
15th December 2012: Unfair trading by a firm in Bognor Regis ...
14th December 2012: Now the company that sells your data is pretending to act as watchdog ...
7th December 2012: There's a war between cars and bikes, apparently, and  most of us never noticed!
26th November 2012: The bottom line - social workers are just plain stupid ...
20th November 2012: So, David Eyke was right all along, then?
15th November 2012: MPs don't mind dishing it out, but when it's them in the firing line ...
14th November 2012: The BBC has a policy, it seems, about which truths it wants to tell ...
12th November 2012: Big Brother, coming to a school near you ...
9th November 2012: Yet another celebrity who thinks, like Jimmy Saville, that he can behave just as he likes because he's famous ...
5th November 2012: Whose roads are they, anyway? After all, we paid for them ...
7th May 2012: How politicians could end droughts at a stroke if they chose ...
6th May 2012: The BBC, still determined to keep us in a fog of ignorance ...
2nd May 2012: A sense of proportion lacking?
24th April 2012: Told you so, told you so, told you so ...
15th April 2012: Aah, sweet ickle polar bears in danger, aah ...
15th April 2012: An open letter to Anglian Water ...
30th March 2012: Now they want to cure us if we don't believe their lies ...
28th February 2012: Just how useful is a degree? Not very.
27th February 2012: ... so many ways to die ...
15th February 2012: DO go to Jamaica because you definitely WON'T get murdered with a machete. Ms Fox says so ...
31st January 2012: We don't make anything any more
27th January 2012: There's always a word for it, they say, and if there isn't we'll invent one
26th January 2012: Literary criticism on GOS? How posh!
12th December 2011: Plain speaking by a scientist about the global warming fraud
9th December 2011: Who trusts scientists? Apart from the BBC, of course?
7th December 2011: All in all, not a good week for British justice ...
9th November 2011: Well what d'you know, the law really IS a bit of an ass ...

 

 
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Award-winning Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinator Pauline Palmer took her role seriously. When she wasn’t on the lookout for criminal goings-on in her neighbourhood, the 71-year-old was keeping an eagle eye on what neighbour Brian Collins, 51, was up to. She watched him from the day he moved in, a court was told.
 
For three years, Mrs.Palmer kept a detailed diary on his activities – including sessions in his garden hot tub with women, and when he had sex in his bedroom. In one of her notes, she wrote: ‘I saw Mr.Collins in his hot tub with two women. He said “get your t**s out, b****”.’ In her diary, she also recorded when women stayed overnight with Mr.Collins. And she noted the comings and goings of male visitors, some of whom ‘wore baseball caps’. Mrs.Palmer took down vehicle registration numbers, noted conversations and admitted putting her ear to the adjoining wall of their Victorian terraced homes – hers at No 12 St Julian Grove, Colchester, his at No 14.
 
Chelmsford Crown Court heard that she amassed sufficient information to persuade Colchester Council to serve a noise abatement order on Mr.Collins, even though his neighbour on the other side said she had never heard any noise. Mr.Collins, who is on incapacity benefit, was fined £100 for breaching the noise abatement order, and faces a further bill of £365 in legal costs after failing in an appeal.
 
Mr.Collins said Mrs.Palmer was ‘obsessive’, and claimed she was invading his privacy and stalking him. He said ‘She’s nosy, interfering, been on her own for at least 30 years. Her attitude is obsessive, it’s almost damned near frightening. I have never had anyone perv over me before, write down that they’ve heard me having sex in my bedroom or watch me in a hot tub with a couple of women.’ Mr.Collins, who said he had never spoken to Mrs.Palmer, added ‘She’s a complete pain. This is obsessive behaviour. She’s complained to everybody, it’s what she does.’
 
When questioned about her ‘extraordinarily detailed diaries’ from December 2006 to September 2009, Mrs.Palmer said ‘It was my role as Neighbourhood Watch.’ In January she was awarded Neighbourhood Watch Co-ordinator of the Year by Essex Police.
 

 
Environmental control officer Guy Milham visited Mrs.Palmer’s home in September 2009 and said the music from next door was a statutory nuisance. ‘I could hear Mr.Collins in his hot tub,’ he said. ‘The music changed to panpipes to which Mr.Collins was occasionally shouting “Oh yes, oh yes”.’ But Mr.Collins’s other neighbour, Nicola Bailey, told the court she never heard him play loud music.
 
Last night Mrs.Palmer, a divorced mother of two, told the Mail ‘He made my life a misery. Sometimes the noise got so bad I had to go and stay with a relative for a few days. It’s been one of my most unusual cases but it does show how important it is to keep a record of what’s happened.’
 
Our society today invests tremendous publicity, legal and judicial effort, public outrage and expense to the task of stopping people having sex with anyone they shouldn't.
 
You'd think f*cking had only just been invented, rather than being the natural and normal (well actually, the only) method of human reproduction since first we heaved ourselves from the primordial slime (about thirty years ago if you come from Basildon). All through pre-history they did it. Stone Age man did it, probably from behind. Bronze Age man did it with more style. The Romans did it rather a lot, by all accounts. The Ancient Greeks did it with men, women, boys, girls, goats etc. and then painted it on pots. The Ancient Egyptians did it with their sisters. The Virgin Mary did it ... oh no, sorry, that's wrong.
 
They did it in the Dark Ages, mostly in the dark. They did it in the Middle Ages. They did it during the commonwealth, but kept it a secret from Oliver Cromwell who didn't approve. They did it in the 18th Century, especially at court. They did it in Victorian times, often with prostitutes. Even Victoria herself did it, with Albert who had special hardware installed for the purpose. They did it in the street when celebrating the end of World War 1. Flappers did it in short skirts in the 1920s, they did it to jazz in the 1930s, they did it with practically anyone during World War 2, they did it in public in the 1960s. They didn't do it at all in the 1950s, though. Or perhaps I was too young to notice.
 
But now we've reached a new millennium, everything's changed, apparently. It's no longer a good thing. There are rules.
 
Footballers shouldn't have sex with each other's wives. Male teachers shouldn't have sex with their female pupils. Can't argue with that, of course, but have you any idea how randy a seventeen-year-old girl can be? Not that I speak from personal experience, unfortunately.
 
Female teachers shouldn't have sex with their male pupils, either. At least thirty young women have been tried in the US in the last year for doing so. One of them was actually forced to have sex by two large and intimidating black 16-year-old boys, but what the hell, the court found her guilty anyway. Many people might have thought that this was a marvellous and life-enhancing experience for the boys – great sex with an older and presumably more experienced girl, and no problems dumping her when you fancy a change. Doesn't seem to happen so often in this country, probably because boys find it easier to get what they want from their female classmates who, if the teenage pregnancy figures are anything to go by, are only too willing to give it away. Anyway, whenever it occurs it's definitely not child abuse. It's a heaven-sent opportunity.
 
You can't do it if you're a Muslim woman, not unless you're married. Even then you're not allowed to enjoy it because some dirty old man cut your bits off with a rusty razor-blade. And if some men drag you into an alley late at night and make you do it against your will, that's your fault. You shouldn't have put temptation in their way, so you'll have stones thrown at you and your hair set on fire.
 
MPs shouldn't have sex with their secretaries, researchers or assistants – in fact, anyone younger and more fanciable than themselves, and let's be honest, almost anyone is more fanciable than the average MP. It's claimed that this is to protect them from the possibility of being blackmailed. If you believe that, you'll believe anything. It has nothing to do with blackmail, it's all about prurient curiosity and envy.
 
Male and female army or navy officers mustn't have sex with each other. Actors, actresses, singers, comedians, newsreaders etc. shouldn't have sex with anyone at all. Not before the watershed, anyway.
 
It goes without saying, of course, that paedophiles shouldn't have sex with children. Trouble is, a child is anyone up to the age of 16, so a 17-year-old boy who has sex with his 15-year-old girlfriend is liable to be charged with rape and put on the sex offenders' register, unless some policeman manages to summon up a rare flash of common sense. But just look at the trouble Ken Clarke got into when he pointed this out. “Rape is rape!”, they cried. Which it obviously isn't.
 
So, what's the answer?
 
We suggest a simple solution. Just make it illegal to put any part of your own body into any part of someone else's body.
 
There! Problem solved. No more scandals, no more court injunctions, no more foot after foot of column inches devoted to something that isn't anyone's business. No more 16-year-old boys irreparably damaged by a few minutes of sweaty joy in the RE stockroom after school (stick to masturbation, lads, that's still legal – at least until Pauline Palmer moves in next door). No more squaddies tempted to disobey orders because they're still feeling sated from a good romp on the camp bed the night before.
 
Of course, there's the problem of procreation, but that's easily solved. Just sanctify the institution of marriage by giving an exemption to married couples, provided that they apply for a f*cking licence, pay a f*cking fee and subject themselves to f*cking supervision by a trained f*cking employee from the local f*cking authority.
 
Don't forget, you f*cking read it here f*cking first.
 

 
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