These purport to be actual exchanges from law courts in Canada. They've been around on the internet for ages. They still make us smile, though, so in case anyone hasn't already seen them ...
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I mostly just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 15th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: Sir, what is your IQ?
WITNESS: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
ATTORNEY: And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS: Approximately milepost 499.
ATTORNEY: And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS: Between milepost 498 and 500.
ATTORNEY: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And these stairs, did they go up also?
ATTORNEY: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
ATTORNEY: Mr. Slater, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
WITNESS: I went to Europe.
ATTORNEY: And you took your new wife?
ATTORNEY: Did you blow your horn or anything?
WITNESS: After the accident?
ATTORNEY: Before the accident.
WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
ATTORNEY: You were not shot in the fracas?
WITNESS: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
ATTORNEY: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
ATTORNEY: What did she say?
WITNESS: What disco am I at?
ATTORNEY: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr.Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well yes, I suppose he could have been alive and practising law.
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