One of our readers recently received this letter from his building society (or "bank", as it prefers to be known since it grew a little too big for its boots and a great deal too big for Lloyd's) ...
Halifax
PO Box 548
Leeds
LS1 1WU
Dear Xxx Xxxxxxxxxxx,
I am disappointed to note that we have not received the completed Sale of Property Authority form as requested in our letter of 19th February 2009.
To enable us to deal with your account efficiently, can you please complete the attached authority form and return it to us in 10 working days along with providing copies to the relevant parties named on the authority sheet.
If the authority form is not received then we will continue with our normal arrears collections process.
It is important to maintain your monthly payments when they fall due to minimise payment shortfalls and arrears increasing as a result.
Your credit file is automatically up dated with any arrears showing on your account.
Should you wish to discuss your account, please contact us on the above telephone number.
Yours sincerely,
Ann Cureton
Secured Collections
Now our intrepid reader is a fair-minded chap. He knows that there are many people in this country these days whose first language is not English, so he kindly turned a blind eye to the nonsensical sentence about "can you please complete the attached authority form and return it to us in 10 working days along with providing copies to the relevant parties named on the authority sheet". Presumably, being familiar with the case, he understood what Ms Curetovskaya meant by a "providing copy", whatever that is. And I expect he knew the difference between an authority form and an authority sheet - if indeed there is a difference, and they are not in fact one and the same thing.
And I expect he felt a certain awe at the magnificent redundancy of "It is important to maintain your monthly payments when they fall due to minimise payment shortfalls and arrears increasing as a result" - I mean, respect! You have to admire someone who can use all those words. If we'd been writing it, we'd have said something as simple as "If you don't pay us, you'll owe us money", and where would be the fun in that?
And while we old-fashioned codgers don't recognise this expression "up date", and would prefer the more traditional "update", our reader is a modern man and didn't turn a hair - though if he also knows what an "above phone" is, he hasn't told us. Does it dangle from the ceiling? Or perhaps it's some new kind of mobile phone that hovers near your ear, ready for instant use?
No, no, this is all nit-picking. Our reader rose above it, and responded in kind. It's always important in any kind of negotiation to give your opposite number the feeling that there is common ground between you, a place where two minds can meet. He appreciated deeply the disappointment Ms Curetevskayawicz had felt, and was anxious to ensure that she knew he was on the same wavelength ...
Dear Ms Cureton,
... sorry to butt in again, but did you notice that? Did you notice how he empathises with her by pretending he doesn't know she's anglicised her name to conceal her Eastern European origin? Clever stuff, this ...
Dear Ms Cureton,
Thank you for your letter dated 7/3/2009 telling us how disappointed you are. I have to say that I join you in that disappointment.
I was disappointed that your department appears not to share information, as I contacted you regarding our property a week ago by telephone.
I was disappointed at that time to be told that we would have to wait 10 to 14 days for a ‘senior colleague’ to contact us in order to discuss it. We await that phone call eagerly and hope that we will not be disappointed.
I was disappointed when my partner was made redundant and my business failed and we have both been disappointed quite a lot recently when our attempts to find work have been disappointing.
We have been very disappointed that the government is doing so little to help us whilst handing out wads of cash to the bank that you are presently lucky enough to have a job with.
We are disappointed that the same government considers that two of us are supposed to survive on £85 Income-based Job Seekers' Allowance per week whilst others receive £700,000 a year pension.
We are also disappointed that despite only having an income of £85 per week the Halifax chose to illegally levy £105 of bank charges upon us due to three unpaid direct debits that totalled less than £50. This was particularly disappointing as we were then unable to buy food.
Disappointment feels far worse when you are cold and your belly is empty. I imagine that disappointment feels even worse for those who are seeing their children in that state too.
I am particularly disappointed that you are disappointed in us as we have made every effort to fulfil our obligations by giving you as much as we possibly can. Perhaps you can imagine that disappointment when you consider how little our income is and how large the proportion is that we are giving to you.
I am disappointed that you feel it necessary to add to our present stress by sending us letters that are both patronising and threatening, instead of providing someone with the authority to discuss our problems when I telephone.
Perhaps we could now alleviate some of each others disappointment by discussing whether or not it will be possible for you to accept our local authority paying the interest on our mortgage, therefore allowing us to return to our home? That was the subject that I was, disappointingly, unable to discuss with a ‘senior colleague’ when I telephoned.
It would be nice to think that we are not going to be disappointed but I suspect that we might be. We have come to realise that disappointment is the least of our problems.
Yours disappointedly,
Xxx Xxxxxxxxxx
Oh, now I get it! No wonder our reader is so on the same wavelength as Ms.Curetevskayawiczski. He's Polish too! With a name like Xxxxxxxx, how could he be anything else? Or Ukrainian, perhaps. Silly us!
Or Azerbaijani?
The GOS says: While I've never, fortunately, been in the same situation as Mr.Xxxxxxxx, there is one tip I'd like to pass on. I worked for some years in a large public organisation, and this always works beautifully ...
In the middle of a correspondence, refer to a non-existent letter. Something like "... as I explained in my letter of 29th May ... a letter, incidentally, to which you have not yet had the courtesy to reply ..."
They won't know that there never was a letter. In fact, they'll assume that you're telling the truth because they know how useless and disorganised their department is, and that documents get misplaced all the time. And by castigating them for not replying to it, you put them on the back foot, keep them off balance and make your own eventual success all the more likely.
But be warned: don't ever try it on someone with more than one "x" in their name. They'll rumble you in no time. Bloody clever, these foreigners.
either on this site or on the World Wide Web.
Copyright © 2009 The GOS
This site created and maintained by PlainSite