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Just a simple enquiry today ... We understand that there is to be a hosepipe ban in force soon, in parts of southern Britain. Apparently there are to be fines of up to £1,000 for using a hosepipe in your garden, because that wastes precious water. No doubt you're expecting us to come over all profane and sarcastic about the fact that when water companies allow thousands of gallons of water to flow away through holes in their pipes, that's OK, but when we use a hosepipe to keep our brassicas alive, that's waste. Well, we certainly do feel pretty profane about it, but our sarcasm would be superfluous because plenty of other commentators have pointed it out already. No, our enquiry is a little different. It is this ... How the hell do they propose to enforce this alleged hosepipe ban when no one knows anything about it? When are they going to tell us? Is it supposed to be a SECRET? OK, we obviously know about it, hence this page. You probably know about it from the TV or the newspapers. But what about people who don't read newspapers? What about people who don't own a telly – it isn't compulsory to watch telly, is it? And what about people like us who find the radio deeply irritating and won't have it on in the house? There are plenty of people – all right, a minority, we grant you, but plenty all the same – who choose to distance themselves from modern society and just lead a quiet life tending their garden. How are they supposed to know that they run the risk of £1,000 fines if they use the hose? Have the water companies sent a letter to each of their customers? No, they haven't. They seriously think they are so important that they can make a decision one day, and the whole world is stepping back in amazement the next. They are so right on and ecological and environmental and all the other mentals that their tiniest deliberations are a focus for fascinated attention from the entire population, so there's no need for them to do their customers the courtesy of informing them of anything. And don't, please don't, anyone write in and point out that nobody reminds us it's illegal to kill each other. We all know that. It's always been illegal to kill people (unless you're a bona fide terrorist, of course, in which case they'll give you a council house and triple child benefit). But it hasn't been illegal to use a garden hose, so that's a big change in our habits, isn't it? That's the difference, smart-arse! SO ... we've had no notification at Grumpy Towers from the trade people we pay to supply us with water that there's any problem with our supply, so we're going to assume that ... well, that there is no problem with our supply. The fountains on the terrace will play as usual, the swimming pool will brim over, naiads will frolic in the parterre and we'll carry on watering the radicchio until they have the courtesy to tell us any different. Bastards. Come on, frolic, you idle bitches! Don't just stand there - frolic! either on this site or on the World Wide Web. Copyright © 2012 The GOS |
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