I've hinted elsewhere that John Prescott is to be our next Wanker of the Week - in fact, we're seriously considering the creation of a special "Wanker of the Decade" award just for him.
Because we haven't done it yet we're coming under some pressure from readers to get on with it, and who can blame them? As MWJ so eloquently puts it: "I nominate Mr Prescott for his services to ordinary wankers everywhere, demonstrating beyond all doubt that the intellectual capabilities of a chimpanzee are no barrier to high government office".
Can't argue with that. A politician with the face of an orc who does his electioneering with his fists and can't keep his tiny little willy in his trousers is too obvious a candidate to ignore. That he is reported to have the social graces of a warthog is a bonus.
But wait a minute. This is also a man who is going to continue receiving a salary of £130,000 a year without having a proper job. Actually it's £133,997. If that seems like nit-picking, just remember that Prescott could buy a bloody good secondhand car with £3,997. Maybe another Jag. Or an estate car so he'd have room for rest of his salary.
Better still, he gets to keep his two luxurious homes, the 21-bedroom Dorneywood and the apartments in Admiralty House. Admiralty House is funded by the taxpayer. It costs £250,000 a year to maintain.
Even better than that, he doesn't pay his own Council Tax on either of them. His tax bill ought to be £366,000 a year, according to accountants.
And even better than that, he's got a pension waiting for him of about £60,000 a year. If he'd been sacked last week for thrashing his great lardy arse around the office with Shirley Temple or whatever her name is, Opposition spokesmen say it would only have been £55,000, which makes him the only fat 67-year-old slob in human history to be actually paid for getting his end away.
So, after mature consideration, we are forced to conclude that this man is not Wanker of the Week material at all. Personally I think he's a genius, making a killing like that right under the noses of the nation's press and parliament. I'd have been happy enough with the secondhand car.
Should anyone want to ask him for a few tips, his address is …
Rt.Hon. John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister,
Eland House,
Bressenden Place,
London SW1E 5DU
… and his email address is john.prescott@odpm.gsi.gov.uk.
either on this site or on the World Wide Web.
This site created and maintained by PlainSite