The GOS never thought he'd find a good word to say for the film director and well-known bon viveur Michael Winner, but this weekend's news has gladdened his heart.
Winner has turned down an OBE in the Queen's 80th birthday honours' list "because it's the sort of award they give to toilet cleaners".
"An OBE is what you get if you clean the toilets well at King's Cross station," he said yesterday. "I can't see any reason to accept it. Of course some decent people get it. But when you look at the rubbish who are getting these awards and the absolute non-service they have given to the nation other than financing or working for political parties, you say, 'What company am I in?'"
In the opinion of The GOS, Winner is a prize plonker (he made some pretty dire films, too). But on this occasion he's absolutely right.
The procedure for getting an award like this is ridiculously simple. If you want a really big award like a knighthood or a peerage, give loads of money to a political party - we all know about that.
But for the less exalted awards like the OBE and the MBE, you just need three friends. One has to fill in a form, and the other two write letters of support. That's all. The actual decision is made by the Ceremonial Secretariat of the Cabinet Office which has various sub-committees to examine all the proposals. Just what they take into account, who they approach to make sure the person is really suitable, and even who sits on the various committees are all closely-guarded secrets. What is known is that they try to spread the awards evenly between different professions and levels of society, and also to ensure some balance of gender and ethnicity.
The GOS knows three people who have received these awards. One got an OBE for being a jolly good headmaster - and he was a good headmaster - fair enough. Another got an MBE for being a good teacher in the same school for about a hundred years (slightly less fair as plenty of teachers can claim the same, but let's not be churlish).
The third got his for reasons no-one who knows him can fathom - he is a lazy, rude, inefficient boor who has been in trouble with the public body that employs him many times over the years, has been disciplined for bullying in the workplace and investigated for sexually harassing a student. Rumour has it he was recommended by a drinking crony. Mind you, it's not impossible to nominate yourself - we wouldn't put it past him!
All in all, Michael, you're absolutely right. These awards are a farce, and you should have nothing to do with them. Perhaps The GOS should invent his own honours list. He already has the "Wanker of the Week" Award, so why shouldn't Michael Winner be the very first "Un-wanker of the Week"?
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