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11th September 2013: The world's gone mad and I'm the only one who knows
13th August 2013: Black is white. Fact. End of.
11th August 2013: Electric cars, not as green as they're painted?
18th June 2013: Wrinklies unite, you have nothing to lose but your walking frames!
17th May 2013: Some actual FACTS about climate change (for a change) from actual scientists ...
10th May 2013: An article about that poison gas, carbon dioxide, and other scientific facts (not) ...
10th May 2013: We need to see past the sex and look at the crimes: is justice being served?
8th May 2013: So, who would you trust to treat your haemorrhoids, Theresa May?
8th May 2013: Why should citizens in the 21st Century fear the law so much?
30th April 2013: What the GOS says today, the rest of the world realises tomorrow ...
30th April 2013: You couldn't make it up, could you? Luckily you don't need to ...
29th April 2013: a vote for NONE OF THE ABOVE, because THE ABOVE are crap ...
28th April 2013: what goes around, comes around?
19th April 2013: everyone's a victim these days ...
10th April 2013: Thatcher is dead; long live Thatcher!
8th April 2013: Poor people are such a nuisance. Just give them loads of money and they'll go away ...
26th March 2013: Censorship is alive and well and coming for you ...
25th March 2013: Just do your job properly, is that too much to ask?
25th March 2013: So, what do you think caused your heterosexuality?
20th March 2013: Feminists - puritans, hypocrites or just plain stupid?
18th March 2013: How Nazi Germany paved the way for modern governance?
13th March 2013: Time we all grew up and lived in the real world ...
12th March 2013: Hindenburg crash mystery solved? - don't you believe it!
6th March 2013: Is this the real GOS?
5th March 2013: All that's wrong with taxes
25th February 2013: The self-seeking MP who is trying to bring Britain down ...
24th February 2013: Why can't newspapers just tell the truth?
22nd February 2013: Trial by jury - a radical proposal
13th February 2013: A little verse for two very old people ...
6th February 2013: It's not us after all, it's worms
6th February 2013: Now here's a powerful argument FOR gay marriage ...
4th February 2013: There's no such thing as equality because we're not all the same ...
28th January 2013: Global Warming isn't over - IT'S HIDING!
25th January 2013: Global Warmers: mad, bad and dangerous to know ...
25th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
19th January 2013: We STILL haven't got our heads straight about gays ...
16th January 2013: Bullying ego-trippers, not animal lovers ...
11th January 2013: What it's like being English ...
7th January 2013: Bleat, bleat, if it saves the life of just one child ...
7th January 2013: How best to put it? 'Up yours, Argentina'?
7th January 2013: Chucking even more of other people's money around ...
6th January 2013: Chucking other people's money around ...
30th December 2012: The BBC is just crap, basically ...
30th December 2012: We mourn the passing of a genuine Grumpy Old Sod ...
30th December 2012: How an official body sets out to ruin Christmas ...
16th December 2012: Why should we pardon Alan Turing when he did nothing wrong?
15th December 2012: When will social workers face up to their REAL responsibility?
15th December 2012: Unfair trading by a firm in Bognor Regis ...
14th December 2012: Now the company that sells your data is pretending to act as watchdog ...
7th December 2012: There's a war between cars and bikes, apparently, and  most of us never noticed!
26th November 2012: The bottom line - social workers are just plain stupid ...
20th November 2012: So, David Eyke was right all along, then?
15th November 2012: MPs don't mind dishing it out, but when it's them in the firing line ...
14th November 2012: The BBC has a policy, it seems, about which truths it wants to tell ...
12th November 2012: Big Brother, coming to a school near you ...
9th November 2012: Yet another celebrity who thinks, like Jimmy Saville, that he can behave just as he likes because he's famous ...
5th November 2012: Whose roads are they, anyway? After all, we paid for them ...
7th May 2012: How politicians could end droughts at a stroke if they chose ...
6th May 2012: The BBC, still determined to keep us in a fog of ignorance ...
2nd May 2012: A sense of proportion lacking?
24th April 2012: Told you so, told you so, told you so ...
15th April 2012: Aah, sweet ickle polar bears in danger, aah ...
15th April 2012: An open letter to Anglian Water ...
30th March 2012: Now they want to cure us if we don't believe their lies ...
28th February 2012: Just how useful is a degree? Not very.
27th February 2012: ... so many ways to die ...
15th February 2012: DO go to Jamaica because you definitely WON'T get murdered with a machete. Ms Fox says so ...
31st January 2012: We don't make anything any more
27th January 2012: There's always a word for it, they say, and if there isn't we'll invent one
26th January 2012: Literary criticism on GOS? How posh!
12th December 2011: Plain speaking by a scientist about the global warming fraud
9th December 2011: Who trusts scientists? Apart from the BBC, of course?
7th December 2011: All in all, not a good week for British justice ...
9th November 2011: Well what d'you know, the law really IS a bit of an ass ...


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Received this week, the following missive from a regular visitor who prefers to remain anonymous. You'll see why ...

Dear Captain,
It's good to see that you continue to make an articulate stand against the injustices and absurdities of modern life. I have young children, and find it incredibly difficult to explain how we come to find ourselves in such a state.
Yesterday, (anticipating the rugby international next week) my son asked me for the words of the Scottish National Anthem. I could only say that it was about beating the English in battle, many centuries ago. Not unreasonably, he asked me why we didn't sing about beating the Scots. I told him, of course, that this would be racist. Clearly I've failed in my duty as a modern, multi-cultural parent as he couldn't see the justice in this. I explained that almost anything the English sung about would be considered racist, except (perhaps) an abject apology for our entire history as a nation. This seemed like a good idea, so we decided to have a go at it, with the following result.
Please feel free to reproduce it if you wish. I shall be happy if, in some small way, I can contribute to our ritual self-flagellation as an unworthy race ...

A New English National Anthem
We’re English, and therefore we’re sorry,
For the things that we did years ago;
We’re the wickedest folk on the planet,
As the following verses will show.
We’re sorry we fought at Culloden,
To the Scottish we’ve always been mean;
We killed your King Jamie at Flodden,
And we cut off the head of your Queen.
We’re sorry, good people of Wales,
For all of those ‘sheep-shagger’ gags;
And we’re sorry if ever we called you
A nation of whinging wind-bags.
We’re sorry if you were a convict
Who we sent off to sunnier climes;
We condemned you to life as an Aussie,
When you’d rather have swung for your crimes.
We’re sorry we carved out an Empire,
And we’re sorry for giving it back
To people like Robert Mugabe
Who’s no better than Stalin ... but black.
We’re sorry we dealt in the slave trade,
And we’re sorry for stamping it out.
We’re sorry we fought with the Zulus;
- there’s so much we’re sorry about.
We’re sorry, dear French, for the longbow;
And ‘twas perfectly fair to cry ‘foul’
That we wouldn’t surrender to Hitler
When you eagerly threw in the towel.
We’re sorry for Queen Boadicea
Who just didn’t know when to stop;
We’re sorry we fought Mussolini,
And we’re sorry we called him a wop.
We’re sorry for beating the Germans
In two World Wars and a World Cup;
Most of all, we’re incredibly sorry
That we cannot stop bringing it up!
Not our fault? Even so, we’re still sorry;
We’re sorry John Lennon was shot;
And we’re sorry for saying we’re sorry
When it’s perfectly plain that ... we’re not.


The GOS says: Brilliant. It scans, an' all.
Speaking of being English, I received my Census forms today. Asking me what religion I follow is a bloody cheek: what the hell business is it of theirs what I believe in? I think I'll put “fairies” - does that qualify as a religion?
Then there's the question about “national identity”. What does that mean? They offer me a choice between “English” and “British”, but aren't I both? And in any case, how is it up to me what nation I belong to? – it was the government that decided that we shouldn't all be British, but that some of us could set up our own parliaments and pretend to be independent. They didn't give me any choice in it, so why can't they just decide what my national identity is, and send me a letter? Besides, I come from Suffolk, and there isn't a tick-box for that.
But what really gets my goat is having to say what racial group I belong to. How the hell do I know? I'm tall and fair so I'm probably mostly white Anglo-Saxon, but there could easily be a touch of the Yid or the tar-brush a few generations back – who can tell?
So basically they're asking us all to guess. Very few of us are experts in family history (or interested, for that matter), so whatever answer we give to that question is nothing more than guesswork. And what place has guesswork in a compulsory, legally-enforced official document? To make matters worse, the front of the form threatens that it's a crime to give false information, which means that they're asking me to guess but I'll be arrested if I get it wrong.
Bastards. Stupid bastards.

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