Our new Wanker of the Week is John Smith, president of the Royal College of Surgeons of Edinburgh. He has called on the government to introduce curbs on the sale of alcohol limiting the amount customers can consume in each pub or bar. Each drinker would only be allowed three drinks. Mr.Smith is not clear just how he thinks this would work - perhaps each time you bought a drink you'd get your forehead stamped? That'd work, I don't think. But how would you go about buying your friends a round? Or perhaps that ancient tradition of hospitality no longer fits into this brave new world of health and social responsibility?
Mr.Smith says he thinks this would be the logical next step to improving the nation's health following the ban on smoking in public places.
Right on, Mr.Smith. And since you apparently know so much about what's good for other people, perhaps you could turn your attention to a few more logical steps?
How about a ban on pedestrians crossing the road? - that's quite dangerous. Or forbidding anyone to ride a bike? Thousands of people are injured in the home each year, so why not introduce a law making it a punishable offence to climb on a chair to reach the top of the wardrobe? The correct, safe and socially responsible procedure would be to call in a firm of professional wardrobe operatives with specialised equipment.
And why stop at the obvious dangers? If smokers and drinkers can be targeted (for their own good, of course) why not eaters? You might ration the number of chips anyone could buy. Or place an exclusion zone round every MacDonald's. Chocolate is a drug, of course, so that'd have to go. And children should be banned from eating ice-cream, and offered a carrot on a stick instead because it's better for them.
On 25th February this year the MP for Montgomeryshire, Lembit Opik, said in the House of Commons "... risk is at the heart of some of the greatest literary, political and cultural achievements of the human race ... I believe that an obsessive approach to health and safety, coupled with an increasingly litigious culture is contributing to the problems that face our society. .... we are creating a population metaphorically wrapped in cotton wool. It causes problems far greater than a sensible and measured approach to risk ever would. It means that bored children who are denied access to safe and exciting school trips and sports activities seek their kicks elsewhere, and it means that Britain's second largest teaching union, the National Association of Schoolmasters/Union of Women Teachers, advises its members not to participate in school trips for fear of litigation. It means also that the outdoor and recreation industries are hampered by rising insurance premiums, choking under unnecessary bureaucracy and struggling with serious volunteer shortages.
"The great scientist Professor Heinz Wolff believes that humans have a biological need for risk. Indeed, juvenile crime, drug use and obesity are probably in part the result of such a futile policy."
He was right, of course. He quoted the celebrated case where a scout-master was sued after organising a trip to Gaping Gill cavern. While waiting for their guided tour, one of the boys spotted a little cave nearby and asked if he could explore it.
When permission was refused, he went to his father who was accompanying the party. His father said he could go, and gave him a cigarette lighter to see by. The boy plunged 300 feet down a hole and died.
The father waited two years until his older son had finished all his badges and left the scouts, then sued. The judge said the scout-master was at fault because he knew the father came from the city so couldn't be expected to make sensible decisions in the countryside. He should have stopped the boy going in, by force if necessary.
Years ago the GOS taught at a school in Scotland where outdoor pursuits were the most important part of the curriculum. Boys went snowholing on the mountains in midwinter, they sailed on the loch in howling gales, they went out into the surrounding countryside in their fire engine and fought fires, some of the older ones were an official part of the Glencoe Mountain Rescue Team, and they went cross-country running before breakfast. As a result, they were fit, confident, resourceful, capable of sensible decision-making and had a fine appreciation of teamwork and responsibility. The school's closed now, which is probably just as well - there's no way this wonderful regime could have survived our modern cotton-wool culture.
And what's all this got to do with you, Mr.Wanker Smith? Well, actually, nothing - and that's the point. It's none of your bloody business, Mr.Smith, how many drinks the GOS takes of an evening. It's none of your business whether he smokes or not. It's nothing to do with you whether he risks his life and health by crossing the road, standing on chairs or going out to sea in small boats (he does all three). Got that, Mr.Smith? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS!
So, Mr.Smith, you are our Wanker of the Week. Congratulations.
Now shut up and get back to your proper job, which is curing ill people and being paid a VERY fat salary for it.
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