It's been a bumper week for the Wanker-spotting fraternity, and from the dozens of candidates we have selected two for displaying that peculiarly British kind of politically-correct stupidity we all know and love.
First is Assistant Divisional Officer Ali Macdonald, the Plymouth area commander for Devon Fire and Rescue, who has banned firemen at a new fire-station from using the traditional slippery pole to get down to their engines when called to an emergency, and says they must use the stairs instead.
His reason? The poor firemen might hurt themselves. They are so stupid, apparently, that they might not realise sliding down a pole is a bit risky and may fail to take the usual precautions like holding on. These men are trained to do a dangerous job involving dodgy things like fire, water, large vehicles travelling quickly, falling buildings and so on, but sliding down a pole is just a step too far for Ali Macdonald.
For God's sake, Ali, are you completely barmy? Don't you know that half your officers only joined so they could slide down a pole once in a while? And have you any idea what sort of injuries can, and often do, result from coming down stairs in a hurry? What's your next brainwave going to be - telling your officers to keep to the speed limit, and not to get too close to the fire if they ever reach it?
Our second Wanker is Dr.Tamara Griffiths, a spokesperson for the British Skin Foundation. She has gone public with the Foundation's recommendation that in order to avert the risk of skin cancer, we should all apply factor 15 sun-screen every morning, even in winter, even on cloudy days, and even if we are spending most of the day indoors. She says that even walking between the car park and the office can cumulatively cause damage.
She added "Consistency is the key. Sunscreen should be used every day in all weather conditions. You should keep it by your toothbrush."
Yeah, right. And an anti-radiation suit on the back of the door, and a dinghy in the garage in case of global flooding.
Look, Dr.Tamara, we don't care if skin cancer has doubled in the last twenty years (though you carefully don't say if the increase is in fact due to better reporting procedures rather than a global radiation catastrophe or mysterious rays from the planet Mars), we can't suddenly change our way of life just because some pundit with a reputation to make says we're in danger. If we took notice of every dire warning from every self-important know-all, we'd never get in our cars, go on holiday, eat shellfish or offal, drink, smoke, run, climb up anything, jump off anything, go swimming, play any sport, touch an animal or live in Cornwall. There must be some reason why we shouldn't have sex either, but I can't bring it to mind just now. Thank God for that.
I suppose we could all dig a tunnel and live in that, like moles or ants. Eventually we'd all turn white and lose the power of sight, which would be cool - we wouldn't need glasses, and the GOS could wear track-suit bottoms without Mrs.GOS going off on one. I suppose then the profits of doom (oops, Freudian slip, I meant prophets of course) would be happy, until they thought of the next thing to lecture us about.
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