Our Wankers this Week are the alleged comedian Marcus Brigstocke (not very funny, to be honest), author Vikram Seth and a load of other people you haven't heard of.
They recently undertook a voyage in an elderly sailing ship, crossing the Greenland Sea, exploring the coastal fjords of East Greenland before crossing the Denmark Straits to complete the voyage in Iceland.
Why?
You've guessed it. It was to "highlight" Global Warming. It was "a scientific expedition". Those taking part were Amy Balkin,artist; Ben Jervey, journalist; Beth Derbyshire, artist; Carol Cotterill, geoscientist; Dan Harvey, artist; David Buckland, artist; Kathy Barber, artist; Liam Frost, musician; Marcus Brigstocke, comedian; Nick Cobbing, photographer; Shiro Takatini, artist; Vikram Seth, writer; Aminatu Goumar, singer; Brian Jungen, artist; Caroline Ross-Pirie, film-maker; Dallas Murphy, writer; Emily Venables, oceanography Ph.D student; Matt Wainwright, TV crew; Simon Boxall, oceanographer; Vicky Long, artist.
Not terribly scientific then, on the face of it.
Marcus Brigstocke writes "I don't much care if you don't agree that global warming is caused by human activity. It is quite possible that you are sick of the entire eco movement and that phrases like 'Carbon Footprint', 'Reduce Re-use Recycle' and 'offsetting your' this, that or the other make you want to scream or bury your head in the sand.
It doesn't matter. The Arctic is melting faster than the Wicked Witch of the West in an outdoor bath with the shower on in the rain, so whether it's our fault or not may not be that relevant. Whether or not we can change it certainly is."
So far, so good. In fact, quite honest, really. He doesn't care what the hell anyone else thinks, and he doesn't give a toss what the scientific facts are. Prat.
He goes on "I'm pitching and heaving about on this freezing cold boat off the Svalbard archipelago for the next 19 days to discover how climate change is likely to affect us at home. I'm told by the oceanographers that what happens in Britain - half a degree of warming one way or the other - is magnified several times up here and that the effects are dramatic and obvious.
If the ice on Greenland melts into the sea then rather than the grape-growing, balmy, Mediterranean climate so many of our columnists optimistically predict for the UK, we will in fact be facing conditions more similar to those in Alaska. I mention this now because it might be a good time to buy a hat. You know, before the rush starts.
The idea is not to preach or harangue anyone into a reluctant, resentful submission. No one will be turned green against their will or forced to live in a hair shirt and tepee."
He's got that right, at least. Though many people will find it a bit odd of him to conclude "My job will be to find a way to make climate change funny."
Well no, Marcus. Funny is the one thing it isn't and will never be. If it's true, it's a major disaster with definitely no humour about it at all. But it isn't true, and all the hype about it is hysterical, and much of the science is distorted or unsound or plain dishonest. And that's not funny either.
To his credit, Vikram Seth doesn't attempt to be funny. He simply writes "People need to know about what is being lost, and I think it is an inspired idea to get sculptors or writers or photographers or other artists to come on what is largely a scientific expedition."
Hmm. So scientific they did it with an old sailing ship and almost no scientists. And you might think a scientific expedition would spot the contradiction in the statement on their website: "Sailing south and unable to enter Scoresby Sund due to the level of melting sea ice". I suppose if the ice hadn't been melting they'd have been able to sail through it?
And not particularly scientific is the response of expedition member Matt Wainwright: "As I finish this piece of text, we are sailing away from Greenland. I think we were there for three days. It was stunning - look at everyone's pictures. I have recordings of Liam play guitar in extreme environments; he's really good and everyone should buy his records. Artists have created some stunning work, and we have the processes on videotape. The Northern Lights last night were truly amazing. We saw three polar bears today."
So. They spent three days in Greenland, listened to musician Liam "play guitar in extreme environments", and saw three polar bears. And they saw some ice.
That proves it, then. Forgive us if we're not impressed.
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