Our Wankers this Week are the delegates at the annual conference of the National Union of Teachers.
Today they debated a motion calling for the Army to be banned from visiting schools. They claim that "schools are being asked to play a partisan role in war". The motion also calls for "the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq", as though that's any of their business. Most of us probably thought that the job of a teachers' union was to protect the interests of its members in their work - silly us.
There are two really absurd things about the motion. One is that a national organisation of undervalued professionals ought to recognise a duty to support the members of another undervalued national institution at a time when they are laying their lives on the line for … I nearly wrote "us", but of course it isn't for us, is it? Who the hell knows what it's for? Anyway, at a time when they're laying down their lives for … something or other.
The other is that the Army only visit schools by invitation, something the NUT knows perfectly well. If these teachers don't want the Army in their schools, they could just not invite them - but that would be too easy, wouldn't it? In fact the Army does not recruit in schools. But if it did, would that be such a bad thing?
The fact is that this motion is just another opportunity for the weak-kneed left to put the boot into our armed forces, who they presumably regard as a bastion of wealth and privilege, and not nearly multi-cultural enough.
Bastards.
It's not all bad, though, this teachers' conference. They have done one rather good thing. Because they feel that faith schools are culturally divisive, they've called for Imams to visit ordinary schools to teach the Koran.
We think this is an absolutely brilliant idea, and we do hope that many schools up and down the country will adopt it. Christianity has been taught in British schools ever since schools were invented, and look at the results - empty churches, archbishops who are just figures of fun with no authority whatever, and a society that is many things but certainly isn't Christian. Even in those self-same schools, the rule about a daily compulsory act of worship is widely ignored.
No, if there's one thing guaranteed to smash the power and influence of Islam in this country, it's including it in the National Curriculum. Marvellous scheme!
Mind you, it must be fair. We must all insist that if school pupils are to be educated in Christianity and tutored by imams, then other religions must get a fair crack of the whip as well. We trust the imams won't mind alternating once a week with the local rabbi, and the vicar must be prepared to give up his slot occasionally so that the children may be taught by the shaven-headed dancers of Hare Krishna, or some skinny Buddhist with a beard who practises tantric flying, or a table-rapping Spiritualist.
There are some 4,300 religions in the world, so a fair and balanced religious curriculum for British schoolchildren will mean … well, quite a full day. There won't be much time for maths or languages or science - the little darlings will be far too busy examining the teachings of Hinduism, Sikhism, Juche, Bahai, Jainism, Shinto, Cao Dai, Zoroastrianism and Tenrikyo.
And don't write off Neo-Paganism, either - it has a million adherents worldwide, so it deserves its little moment in the educational sun. About five minutes at the end of school on Friday afternoons should do it, but that's already been reserved by Mrs.Deirdre Slackbladder who lives down our street in a house painted green, feeds her children exclusively on alfalfa, and has long conversations with the central heating fairy.
The GOS says: To my deep shame and embarrassment, I am myself a member of the National Union of Teachers.
It goes without saying that they failed to consult me before perpetrating this idiocy on my behalf, so my resignation's in the post. That'll make 'em sit up and take notice.
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Copyright © 2008 The GOS
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