Our Wanker this Week is the president of the Australian Olympic Committee, John "Newgate Blagger" Coates. At a press conference in Beijing he cast aspersions on the personal hygiene of British athletes, joking that Rebecca Adlington's "shock victory" in the 400m freestyle (shocking in Australia, that is - I don't think any of us were surprised at all) was good "for a country that has very few swimming pools and not much soap."
We understand, of course, that Blagger Coates said this because he thought it was funny. What passes for humour in Australia frequently takes the form of straightforward insult, as much of the press coverage of recent cricket tests has shown.
No doubt the British athletes will ignore him - it seems that just at the moment they've got much better things to think about, and one has to pity a nation that believes "You smell!" is the very epitome of wit.
Sadly, and much nearer the truth, it appears that it's Australians who aren't totally fresh. Last July this report appeared in Australian newspapers …
As tobacco bans come into force and the air clears in Victoria's hotels, patrons and staff are being exposed to other noxious smells at unprecedented levels. Beer-fuelled flatulence, burps and body odour are no longer masked by cigarette smoke and some, even non-smokers, are beginning to question the merits of the ban, along with the personal hygiene of fellow patrons.
The owner of South Yarra's Chasers nightclub, Martha Tsamis, said there had been a "strong stench" in her venue since July 1, particularly on nights when the dance floor was jammed with cavorting couples. "It's terrible when they dance all night and work up a sweat. We've tried lavender oil in our fog machines, but even that doesn't work," Ms Tsamis said.
The club had also installed several deodorant dispensers, while staff had resorted to burning matches to dispense with unwanted methane.
One-Six-One nightclub general manager Zok Szoeke said the venue had used incense sticks to counter the problem. "It's probably not so bad here because we've got a smaller dance floor, but some of the younger guys need to look at their personal hygiene. Girls really notice smells and some guys are going to have to lift their game," Mr Szoeke said.
Acting director of Quit Victoria Suzie Stillman said the flatulence-related furore was all hot air. "As far as I'm aware, there are no detrimental health impacts from second-hand flatulence or body odour," Ms Stillman said.
The unforeseen side effects of the tobacco ban have spawned a range of new products about to be tested by the Victorian hospitality industry. Instant RockStar director Margie Ardono said the company had smelt an ill wind and developed a scented gel that could be circulated through air-conditioning ducts. "We have produced a product with tea-tree oil that has been tested by Monash University and proven to eliminate smells, while killing common bacteria," Ms Ardono said. She said the company would initially release vanilla, rosemary and cinnamon fragrances and would eventually tailor scents for hotels that wanted to brand their businesses.
Entertainment Warehouse hires fog machines to nightclubs and owner Sam Christou said they had been inundated with requests to include fragrances that would help conceal bad smells. Mr Christou said strawberry and banana were popular scents that helped overcome an array of unwanted aromas.
So, Blagger, here's a really funny one for you: you stink. God, that's so funny! I can hardly contain myself - and nor, apparently, can you!
It's the way I tell 'em.
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