The manager of the quaintly-named Corporate Equalities Unit (how meaningless is that?) of Hull City Council, a lady called Julie Thomson, has emailed every Hull city councillor to explain what language they should, and should not, use.
The word "lady" itself is, according to Julie, a no-no. So is "mad". So is "senior citizen", which is odd considering that the phrase only came into being in the last fifteen years or so to prevent us calling people "old" in case they didn't like to be reminded. And "elderly" is no good, either.
Traditional endearments like "pet," "duck", "love", "luvvie", "flower", "darling", "sweetheart" and "dear" are out too.
To be fair to Hull, the councillors themselves have been pretty quick in telling Ms.Thomson where to get off. Conservative councillor John Fareham said: "I'm absolutely insulted. As far as I'm concerned, officers are employees, and my employees have just told me I can't call a lady a lady. To me, not calling a lady a lady is an insult, and to further say it is as unacceptable as genuinely derogatory terms for ethnic minorities is appalling".
What is really at issue here is a mindless attack on the English language. We have in this country a rich, diverse and infinitely subtle language. Our ability to say the same thing in twenty different ways earned us reputation second to none for diplomacy and duplicity in the 18th and 19th Centuries. The soubriquet "perfidious Albion" refers to our skill at veiling our true intentions behind a screen of innocuous verbiage. This is why we have had the world's greatest playwright, most of the world's greatest writers and most of the world's finest poets. It's because we have the world's greatest language.
The Eskimos are supposed to have fifty different words for snow. We have twenty ways to say almost anything. Consider the word "lady".
Used in one way, it suggests a certain social standing. The phrase "the property of a lady" is commonplace in literature of a certain era, signifying quality and social cachet.
To use the word "lady" in conjunction with, or in contrast to, "woman" suggests a dichotomy of class or breeding. We may not approve of social snobbery, but if you don't understand it and can't appreciate its niceties, there's a hell of a lot of great classic literature you won't be able to follow at all.
"The lady stood on the pavement", however, is neutral. She could be a cleaning-lady, she could be a duchess, she could be almost anything female (though probably not a young woman or a prostitute). A "cleaning-lady" is a step up from a charwoman - she's not just a menial but someone who, by inference, we respect and admire even though the job she does is not ... er ... one we would prefer to do ourselves.
"The Ladies" is a female toilet - that is, a toilet reserved for the use of women. Erm ... it can also be used by little girls. So perhaps Ms.Thomson would like us to call it "The women and little girls". Except that some of the children might object to the word "little".
"The ladies" in quite a different context is, of course, a respectful toast.
"A lady" is also something quite ridiculous since the advent of the television comedy "Little Britain".
And what do you understand by the title "Lady in Red"? It's loaded with subtle meaning, isn't it? Without knowing the song at all, you immediately sense that she's (a) beautiful, (b) desirable and (c) not your average slapper.
And the expression "My lady" - that has a number of different connotations too. Used in an obsequious manner it's the address of a servant to his mistress. Used by a wooden puppet standing beside a pink Rolls-Royce it's a joke. Used by an Essex car-dealer it means his other half, his "significant other" - and someone he admires and cherishes rather more than "my wife". Used by an East End barrow-boy to his customers it signifies affection, a tiny touch of respect and quite a dollop of humour.
That's not bad for a little four-letter word, is it?
But what Ms.Thomson and her ilk want to do is to rob us of all this rich variety, this world of hidden meaning, this subtlety of expression and thought. Just in case anyone might, just possibly, sometime or other, be just a teensy-bit offended by something, she wants to reduce us all to the level of morons, of low-level bureaucrats like her, of ...... Germans.
So, Ms.Julie Thomson, I hope your ears are burning. I hope it's a long time before the Hull councillors - your bosses, let me stress - allow you to forget this piece of crass stupidity. I hope you're very embarrassed at the fact that the Acting Head of Equalities has had to write to them all to apologise. I hope that the fact that there is an Acting Head means you've been sacked. And I hope you are sensitive to the honour of being our Wanker of the Week.
Sorry, that should read "Lady Wanker of the Week".
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