You know what really pisses the GOS off?
Well, of course you do - he keeps writing about it in these pages, so if you've actually read any of them (which supposes that you're not one of the 43% of visitors who were really looking for "readers' wives") you'll know exactly the sort of thing that annoys him. You might even agree.
But this really takes the biscuit. You know how every year we all complain that Christmas is getting earlier and earlier? The GOS had been thinking that sometime soon he ought to prepare a Grumpy Page about his favourite time of year and how he'd much rather spend the festive season crouched in a cardboard box on one of the islands of the Inner Hebrides with nothing but a can of beans and a Jilly Cooper novel … and the bastards have beaten him to it! What's more, they've done it better than he would have. Bastards!
These lines appeared in this week's Friday Thing (bastards) ….
… our guide to making it through the horror of Christmas …
• 1) try not to have unrealistic expectations this Christmas. Convince yourself well ahead of time that it's going to be just appalling …
• 2) avoid having plans go completely wrong by refusing to make any. Let this be your mantra: "Festive Season? What fucking Festive Season? Piss off!" …
• 3) exercise away seasonal stress with a brisk walk or a swim. However, try not to combine the two by walking down to the local park, climbing the gates, trudging through the rain to the half- frozen pond wondering where the hell it all went wrong and slipping slowly, hopelessly beneath the creaking ice ...
• 4) at parties, try not to use alcohol to calm your nerves. Crystal meth is actually very reasonably priced these days and will blot out the terrors of insecurity and social malaise that much more effectively …
• 5) don't feel pressured to always come up with sparkling conversation. Accept your limitations and realise that no social occasion is complete without the dead-eyed catatonic everyone else can pity, avoid and then, when said catatonic has slipped quietly back into the pit of despair from which they emerged, completely forget about ...
• 6) amidst all the chaos of Yuletide preparations, take some time out for yourself and relax in a nice hot bath. If surviving Christmas no longer seems worth the effort, they do say that if the water's really piping hot enough, you can hardly feel the blade. Wrist to elbow is best …
• 7) when it really does start to feel that there's no point carrying on, do give the Samaritans a call, as it's always nice, particularly at Christmas, to know there's someone worse off than you are.
See? Perfect.
Bastards.
either on this site or on the World Wide Web.
This site created and maintained by PlainSite